Navigating my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Seeking a Committed Partnership
As a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, mostly enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship which continued for four years, however it never fully satisfied me, because I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I start to date any man, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners again.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that many homosexual males engage in open relationships, but from my observations, they appear demanding, frequently causing lots of heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I desire another man to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to keep having casual sex and accept that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Every person’s sexual journey varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; eventually you may find yourself more decisive and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or not. One day you could encounter a person offering a life-changing chance to you through mirroring what you want completely … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Try to be present in your relationships, and recognize the worth of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating intimacy issues.
