The Words from My Parent That Helped Me as a New Parent

"I think I was just just surviving for twelve months."

One-time reality TV personality Ryan Libbey anticipated to manage the difficulties of becoming a dad.

Yet the actual experience quickly became "very different" to his expectations.

Severe health complications surrounding the birth resulted in his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Abruptly he was forced into becoming her main carer while also taking care of their baby boy Leo.

"I took on every night time, every nappy change… every walk. The role of both parents," Ryan shared.

After nearly a year he burnt out. It was a conversation with his parent, on a park bench, that made him realise he required support.

The simple words "You are not in a good place. You need some help. What can I do to help you?" created an opening for Ryan to speak honestly, seek support and regain his footing.

His experience is commonplace, but rarely discussed. While society is now more accustomed to discussing the stress on moms and about post-natal depression, not enough is spoken about the struggles dads go through.

'It's not weak to ask for help

Ryan believes his challenges are part of a broader inability to talk among men, who continue to internalise harmful ideas of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the fortress that just takes the pounding and doesn't fall time and again."

"It isn't a display of being weak to request help. I didn't do that soon enough," he clarifies.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist focusing on mental health pre and post childbirth, says men can be reluctant to admit they're having a hard time.

They can believe they are "not justified to be requesting help" - most notably ahead of a mother and child - but she emphasises their mental well-being is vitally important to the household.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad offered him the space to take a respite - taking a short trip abroad, away from the family home, to get a fresh outlook.

He understood he had to make a change to focus on his and his partner's emotions as well as the practical tasks of taking care of a newborn.

When he opened up to Louise, he discovered he'd missed "what she was yearning" -holding her hand and hearing her out.

Reparenting yourself'

That insight has changed how Ryan views fatherhood.

He's now penning Leo weekly letters about his journey as a dad, which he wishes his son will look at as he grows up.

Ryan hopes these will help his son to more fully comprehend the language of emotion and make sense of his parenting choices.

The concept of "parenting yourself" is something musician Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since having his son Slimane, who is now four.

When he was young Stephen lacked reliable male guidance. Despite having an "incredible" relationship with his dad, long-standing emotional pain caused his father had difficulty managing and was "coming and going" of his life, complicating their connection.

Stephen says repressing feelings caused him to make "terrible choices" when in his youth to modify how he felt, seeking comfort in drink and drugs as an escape from the hurt.

"You find your way to substances that aren't helpful," he notes. "They can short-term modify how you feel, but they will ultimately exacerbate the problem."

Strategies for Coping as a First-Time Parent

• Open up to someone - if you're feeling overwhelmed, confide in a family member, your other half or a professional what you're going through. It can help to lighten the load and make you feel more supported.
• Keep up your interests - keep doing the things that made you feel like you before becoming a parent. Examples include exercising, socialising or playing video games.
• Pay attention to the body - a good diet, getting some exercise and where possible, sleep, all are important in how your mental state is doing.
• Spend time with other parents in the same boat - listening to their experiences, the messy ones, as well as the good ones, can help to validate how you're experiencing things.
• Know that requesting help does not mean you've failed - looking after your own well-being is the best way you can support your household.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen understandably found it hard to accept the loss, having been out of touch with him for a long time.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's committed not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his boy and instead provide the safety and emotional guidance he lacked.

When his son is about to have a tantrum, for example, they practise "shaking it out" together - managing the feelings safely.

The two men Ryan and Stephen explain they have become more balanced, healthier men since they confronted their struggles, transformed how they express themselves, and figured out how to regulate themselves for their kids.

"I'm better… processing things and dealing with things," states Stephen.

"I wrote that in a note to Leo recently," Ryan says. "I expressed, sometimes I think my job is to instruct and tell you on life, but the truth is, it's a dialogue. I am understanding just as much as you are in this journey."